By Henrylito D. Tacio
“Gossip is when you have a malice of intent or mindless, third-party conversation to someone about someone, something you haven’t said to that someone.”—Iyanla Vanzant
Once upon a time, an old man spread rumors that his neighbor was a thief. As a result, the young man was arrested. Days later, the young man was proven innocent. After he was released, he sued the old man for wrongly accusing him.
In court, the old man told the judge: “They were just comments, didn’t harm anyone…”
The judge, before passing the judgment, told the old man: “Write all the things you said about him on a piece of paper. Cut them up. On the way home, throw the pieces of paper out. Tomorrow, come here to hear the sentence.”
The following day, the judge told the old man: “Before receiving the sentence, you will have to go out and gather all the pieces of paper that you threw out yesterday.”
The old man said: “I can’t do that! The wind spread them and I didn’t know where to find them.”
The judge then replied: “The same way. Simple comments may destroy the honor of a man to such an extent that one is not able to fix it. If you can’t speak well of someone, don’t say anything. Let’s all be masters of our mouth, so that we won’t be slaves of our words.”
Gossip, the act of spreading news from person to person (especially rumors or private information), is relevant as ever. Among Visayans, it is known as tabi” or libak. To most Filipinos, it is plain tsismis, or the current slang chika. The word “gossip” originates from ‘god-sib,’ the godparent of one’s child or parent of one’s godchildren (“god-sibling”), referring to a relationship of close friendship. The ‘Oxford English Dictionary’ traces the usage of godsib back as far as 1014.
One story (probably fiction because truth is more strange) tells how, at the beginning of the 20th century, politicians would send assistants to bars to sit and listen to general public conversations.
The assistants had instructions to sip a beer and listen to opinions; they responded to the command to “go sip,” which allegedly turned into “gossip.”
In the olden times, gossip were resorted to normalize and re-inforce moral boundaries in a speech-community; foster and build a sense of community with shared interests and information; entertain and divert participants in gossip-sessions; retail and develop stories and even legends; build structures and social accountability; and reflect unvarnished and spontaneous public opinion.
In modern times, however, “gossip” is now often commonly understood to mean the spreading of rumor and misinformation, often through excited conversation over scandals. As one saying puts it, “A lie has no leg, but a scandal has wings.”
When it comes to gossip, the Holy Bible uses tongue to symbolize it. James 3:5-6: “The tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue is also a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and it itself is set on fire by hell.”
All this happens when a person uses his tongue to say something bad or embarrassing about another person. Apostle James warned that so far, no man has ever tamed the tongue. “It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison,” he said.
“Gossip,” novelist George Elliot once wrote, “is a sort of smoke that comes from the dirty tobacco-pipes of those who diffuse it; it proves nothing but the bad taste of the smoker.” Joseph Conrad states: “Gossip is what no one claims to like, but everybody enjoys.”
Bestselling author Erica Jong considers gossip as “the opiate of the oppressed.” Sholom Aleichem describes gossip as “nature’s telephone.” Walter Winchell has this idea: “Gossip is the art of saying nothing in a way that leaves practically nothing unsaid.”
You may not know it, but sometimes you may be the talk of the town. But just be reminded of the words of Antoine de Rivarol: “Of every ten persons who talk about you, nine will say something bad, and the tenth will say something good in a bad way.”
Oscar Wilde puts it this way: “There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about.”
“A gossip,” the Holy Bible says, “separates close friends.” How true, how true. Gossip can destroy reputations, disrupt families, divide neighbors, and cause widespread heartbreak. How many happily married couples have been separated because of gossip? Countless!
Stop spreading the bad news then. Proverbs 26:20 reminds, “Without wood a fire goes out; without gossip a quarrel dies down.”
When people gossip about you, experts say the most effective response is to maintain composure and manage your reaction. Avoid becoming involved in the drama. Instead, allow your actions to convey your true character, minimize your interactions with the gossipers, and concentrate your efforts on positive and constructive pursuits.
Effectively managing gossip requires a combination of strategic inaction and the establishment of firm boundaries. Consider these tips:
1. Evaluate the situation: Ascertain whether the gossip is innocuous or potentially harmful to your reputation or career. If it is harmless, often the most prudent response is to simply dismiss it with humor.
2. Avoid fueling the flames: Responding with anger provides the gossiper with the emotional gratification they seek. This reaction may also contribute to the further dissemination of the rumors.
3. Address the source (if necessary): If the rumor is significant, approach the individual directly in a calm and non-confrontational manner. Clearly communicate that you are aware of their statements, articulate how it impacts you using “I” statements, and request that they come to you directly with any concerns in the future.
4. Establish clear boundaries: Distance yourself from individuals who thrive on drama. If someone attempts to share gossip with you, immediately redirect the conversation or express your preference not to discuss absent individuals.
5. Safeguard your peace: Invest your energy in your work, hobbies, and relationships with those who uplift you. A solid reputation and a consistently positive character will ultimately diminish the influence of gossip.
To end this column, allow me to share another story. Marilyn was an attractive widow with three children who just moved to a barangay. In a few weeks, she was the most talked-about woman. She was too pretty; several men had been seen visiting her; she was a poor housekeeper; her children ran the streets and ate at the neighbor’s. She was lazy and spent most of her time lying on the sofa reading. Such was the conversation among the neighbors.
One morning, Marilyn collapsed at the public market, and the truth soon came out. She was suffering from an incurable disease and could not do her housework. She sent the children away when drugs could not control her pain. “I wanted my children to think of me as always happy,” she said. “I wanted to pass away some time alone so they would never know.”
The men who visited her were her old family doctor, the lawyer who looked after her estate, and her husband’s brother.
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