By Henrylito D. Tacio
In Wartime Writings 1939-1944, Antoine de Saint-Exupery wrote (as translated from French by Norah Purcell) : “A man’s age is something impressive, it sums up his life: maturity reached slowly and against many obstacles, illnesses cured, griefs and despairs overcome, and unconscious risks taken; maturity formed through so many desires, hopes, regrets, forgotten things, loves. A man’s age represents a fine cargo of experiences and memories.”
This thought occurred to me when I received a forwarded email from a friend. The first time I opened it, I did not read it in detail. Yesterday, with some free time on my hands, I chose to read it once more.
I felt compelled to share this piece (the author remains unknown). Parents nearing retirement who wish to spend time at home enjoying their grandchildren should take note of the lessons it offers.
In celebration of their 50th anniversary, a working couple decided to allocate their combined assets among their living heirs. When questioned about their reasoning, they stated, “To prevent conflict.” However, what they failed to realize was that they were inviting trouble – for themselves! But that is jumping ahead in the narrative.
The couple included one stipulation: While they were still alive, the income generated from these properties would be utilized to sustain their current lifestyle, which included medical expenses, lavish vacations, and unlimited shopping.
That seems simple enough, responded the heirs. The income was significant enough to pamper the elderly couple with a bonus that the heirs could utilize as they pleased. This was also the belief of the elderly couple.
The initial year went smoothly, but soon thereafter, issues began to arise. Each child employed various strategies to withhold funds from their parents. This situation escalated to the point where the unfortunate retirees found themselves begging for basic necessities, stripping them of the dignity they had diligently maintained.
What went awry?
A prudent friend remarked that it was a poor decision, having cautioned the couple about this very outcome. Children often prove to be unreliable when it comes to inherited wealth. “Money that is received unexpectedly and not as a direct result of personal effort is not valued in the same way as money earned through hard work,” the friend elaborated. “They tend to lose their sense of propriety; gratitude becomes tainted by greed and a loss of decency.”
Introducing in-laws into the equation causes the entire plan to collapse. These in-laws can sway or persuade their partners to discard sound judgment and familial affection as if they were worthless items.
“Darling, they are going to pass away eventually, so why squander good money on them?” a wife remarked to her husband.
To avoid falling into this vulnerable, pitiful state, the e-mail listed 10 tips to be kept in mind:
1. Do not retire. Someone said that the world’s longest coffee-break is often referred to as retirement. But if you’re over-aged, retire and get all the benefits but find another income-generating job or open a business that will keep you active physically and mentally.
Travel and bond with true friends, play a sport, learn a new hobby and volunteer in your community or church. Solve crossword puzzles, play scrabble, write your memoirs, and above all, reading will keep you alert and keep Alzheimer’s disease at bay.
2. Live in your own place to enjoy independence, privacy and a solo life. Parents who move in with their children, their rank or degree of importance is reduced to that of a bed spacer who has no place of honor or, worse, like crumbling furniture merely displayed with no added value.
So, before the time of retirement arrives, find a small place where you can do whatever you want like gardening, just watching television whenever you want, or sleep and eat whenever you feel like doing them. You don’t need a big house since your movements are few and in-between anyway.
3. Hold on to your nest egg, bank deposits and assets. If you want to help your children, do give, but not to the extent that you wipe out your life’s earnings. Staying solvent and in the black is a good hedge against all kinds of tempests. You will sleep better, you will not be afraid to express your opinion and you will be confident about yourself.
4. Don’t believe your children’s promise to care for you when you grow old. Promises, after all, are made to be broken. In most instances, too, priorities change. Many children are not guilt-ridden or filled with a sense of moral obligation when the wife and offspring take top billing in their lives. There are still children who would consider it a privilege to show compassion, genuine love and deep concern for their parents but be warned that not all children think alike.
5. Expand your circle of friends to include young ones who will definitely outlive your old best friends forever. Remember that when you mix with the young, you also open a fresh avenue to channel your thoughts, experiences and values through so that the lessons you learned are not lost, forgotten or buried with you.
6. Be well groomed and smell fresh spring water all the time. There’s nothing more depressing than seeing people exhale when you walk by because you reek of baul (camphor chest) or lupa (dirt). Old age or bust, don’t look and smell like a corpse when you’re not one yet.
7. Do not meddle in the life of your children. If they ask for your counsel, give it, but be ready to accept that they may not take it. Their situations in life cannot be compared to the situations that you experienced in your life. The playing field has changed and they need to develop their own set of survival skills.
8. Do not use old age as your shield and justification for turning grumpy. There’s nothing more annoying than an arrogant, old fool. Welcome each day as another chance to be kind and forgiving, to yourself and to others.
9. Listen to what others may say. Do not throw your weight around just because you are a septuagenarian or a nonagenarian. You are not a depository of knowledge. Even if the roles have been reversed, make growing old a fun-filled, pleasant experience for you and your brood.
10. Pray always and focus on your eternal life. You will definitely leave everything behind, a final journey detached from burden and care. Be more accepting that, sooner, not later, you will croak. Prepare your swan song with a humble and contrite heart. If you believe in a merciful and loving God, there is no need to strut like a star. Nobody is! In 1958’s More in Anger, Marya Mannes reminded: “The process of maturing is an art to be learned, an effort to be sustained. By the age of fifty you have made yourself what you are, and if it is good, it is better than your youth.”
