By Henrylito D. Tacio
“The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”― Henri Nouwen in Out of Solitude: Three Meditations on the Christian Life
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In the radio program All Things Considered, which airs in America, the acclaimed film director Steven Spielberg shared with host Susan Stamberg the source of his inspiration for Elliott, the young boy who forms a friendship with an extraterrestrial in the hit film E.T.:
“I like my characters better than I ever was. Elliot is the boy in me. I always wanted to become one, but I’ll never be as level-headed, intelligent, and sensitive as he. We moved often when I was young. I remember that I would just make friends and begin to feel that I belonged, when we would uproot and move a thousand miles. Then, we’d begin again. For a kid, that can be traumatic.
Spielberg explained further the bond between the two characters: “The friendship that E.T. and Elliot find and hold on to – clinging to each other desperately – is sort of what I went through in four movies from the ages of four to sixteen. I wished I had a best friend.”
Of course, you would wish you had that kind of relationship, too – that of friendship. “A person one knows well and is fond of” is how the Webster’s New World Dictionary defines a friend. The person is also “an ally, supporter, or sympathizer.” But probing deeper, you will find that a friend is more than all those adjectives. In fact, a friend defies description.
A couple of years ago, an English publication offered a prize for the best definition of a friend, and among the thousands of answers received were the following: (1) “one who multiplies joys, divides grief,” (2) “one who understands our silence,” (3) “a volume of sympathy bound in cloth,” and (4) “a watch which beats true for all time and never runs down.”
But here is the definition that won the coveted prize: “A friend – the one who comes in when the whole world has gone out.”
“What is a friend?” asked Aristotle. “A single soul dwelling in two bodies.” In other words, a friend is your alter ego. Father Jerome Cummings defines a friend as someone “who knows us but loves us anyway.” “A friend is a person who does his knocking before he enters instead of after he leaves,” Irene Keepin says.
A person without a friend is like a day without the sun or night without the moon. The Bible tells us: “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work. If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up” (Ecclesiastes 4:9).
There are more reasons why you need a friend. K. Alvin Pitt shares: “A true friend is one in whom we have confidence and to whom we will listen.” Henry Ford contends: “My best friend is the one who brings out the best in me.”
“A true friend is someone who is there for you when he’d rather be anywhere else,” observed Len Wein. “Friendship makes prosperity more brilliant, and lightens adversity by dividing and sharing it,” wrote Cicero.
In 1968, Guideposts magazine painted, through eloquent words, the true portrait of a friend. It goes this way: “When things don’t come out right, he comes right in. When none of your dreams come true, he is. He never looks for your money except when you’ve lost it. He never gets in your way except to clear it for you. Nothing is more important to him than making you important. He is your corner when you are cornered.
“He turns up when you get turned down. All he wants in return for his helping hand is your handshake. He raps your critics when they’re wrong and takes the rap for you when they’re right. You can do anything you want to with his friendship except to buy it or sell it. He makes you realize that having a friend is like having an extra life.”
There was this Jewish story of two men who were inseparable friends from childhood. Though their brotherly love bound them together, a series of unfortunate circumstances forced them to live in separate and hostile countries. One day, one of them visited the other. Someone saw him and he was reported to the king. The informant told the king that a stranger from an enemy country was walking the streets of his capital. The man was arrested immediately and after a brief trial, he was sentenced to death by cutting his head off.
The man fell to his knees and begged the king to allow him to complete his business before he was killed. “Your majesty, all my money is invested with other merchants, and we have no written documents,” he pleaded. “If I die without clearing my financial affairs, my wife and children will be destitute. Permit me to go home and set my business in order and I will return.”
“What do you think of me, a fool?” the king replied. “Who has ever heard of a prisoner returning just to be executed?” But the man answered that he has a friend in his country who will take his place in the meantime while he is not around.
The king ordered the friend to his court and asked him if agreed to his friend’s suggestion. “If he won’t return,” the king said, “you will be killed.” The man told the king, “I count it an honor to offer my life in lieu of my closest friend.”
The king was astonished and allowed the merchant to return home for one month to finish his business. On the last day of the month, the king waited until dusk for the merchant to return. Just before the sun set, the king ordered the executioner to cut the man’s head off. As the man knelt before the great wooden block, there was a shout from those assembled, “The merchant is coming!”
As the merchant arrived, he saw that his friend was about to be executed. Quickly, he moved the execution block and pushed his friend aside gently, “I am ready to assume my punishment,” he said, kneeling.
The other man was not easily convinced. “I am ready to die in your place,” he said firmly. The two friends argued for several minutes, each declaring his intention to be the person to be executed. Meanwhile, the king and his court watched the discussion with amazement.
Finally, the king ordered the executioner to back off. “I have never witnessed such devotion in all my life,” the king said. “Both of you are pardoned.” Then he asked the two men before him. “Deep friendship is a rare jewel,” he told them. “I beg you, allow me to join you as a third.”
To maintain friendships, it is essential to be proactive, engage in consistent communication, and be present. Regularly reach out, listen attentively, establish shared routines, and provide support during challenging times. Friendships require active nurturing and collaborative effort to endure the demands of busy schedules and physical distance.
Here are some things to do to keep friends intact throughout the years:
Initiate contact. Do not wait for others to reach out. Send a brief text, share a humorous meme, or forward a song to express your care.
Plan regular meet-ups. Schedule catch-up sessions on your calendar. Arrange a monthly dinner or a weekly walk to ensure you stay connected.
Allocate time for phone calls. Brief calls or voice messages convey a more personal touch than continuous texting.
Engage in active listening. Offer your complete attention. Set your phone aside and concentrate on what your friend is saying rather than preparing your next response.
Acknowledge your friends’ feelings. Allow them to express themselves without hurrying to resolve their issues. Inquire if they seek advice or simply need someone to listen to.
Express gratitude. Celebrate their achievements and thank them for their presence in your life.
Participate in activities together. Go beyond mere coffee catch-ups. Consider cooking, hiking, or enrolling in a class together.
Be present for significant occasions. Attend birthdays, parties, and other important life events whenever possible.
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